The Night Before Christmas, Bro

by Duncan Jones

’Twas the night before Christmas, like all Christmas Eves
Santa donned his red vest, a deep V with no sleeves
An icy wind blew, but the Viking cared not
He just stood with his axe, sipping mead, lost in thought

He was living his best life, thinking, “What next to post?”
And as Santa it had to look better than most
Had to look super caj, had to play the right card
But also like he was not trying too hard

“Whatever, who cares, I’m so over it now
I’ll just do it later, time to go anyhow.”
Then he turned to the forest where the darkness stared back
And he felt the great strength of a northern wolf pack

The gifts were prepped, loaded, the reindeer were strapped
And Spotify boomed motivations, most rapped
Santa made final check of his lifted gold sleigh
Then sat down on his Yeti texting goodnight to Bae

“Sup girl, I’ll get at you, don’t wait up, ya heard?
Ya boy’s gotta go, tonight’s just absurd!”
She answered with pics looking sweet as mulled wine
And though he ignored these he thought she looked fine

’Twas nigh time to leave, nearly time to get gone
“One formality more, and then Christmas is on!”
So he reached in his North Face, pulled out the last touch
Lotion purchased on Etsy, that costs a bit much

Then he walked along reindeer, determined as steel
Rubbing deep all their shoulders with clove and orange peel
“Game time my old friends, hold together, en masse!”
And they stamped hard and snorted, now scented of class

From antlers fine jewelry and diamond chains swung
Glittered emeralds, and rubies red, dashed with snow hung
That Christmas train twinkled from each leather stitch
And never before had the wild looked so rich

When up front, Santa turned, “RUDOLFO!” he roared
Rudolf bellowed back, echos filling the fjord
Jeweled antlers reared high, almost out of control
Slamming down with a thunder that shook the north pole

Steam billowed from snouts, from Rudolf danced fire
“Another year! Yes? Let us never retire!
Now bigger, now stronger, now faster than ever
Now unleash the dragons! On with the endeavor!”

Reindeer opened their wings, held strong the night wind
Santa’s red and gold grill shining bright as he grinned
They pulled the ropes taught, straining hard on the stakes
One by one the ropes snapped until gone were the brakes

“On Rocky Balboa, Moana, and Shark
On Usher, on Jesus, our light in the dark
King Kong, and Bugatti turn loose and let fly
Rudolf, Wonder Woman, into the black sky!”

Then he heaved his axe far and high into the night
Climbing up on the sleigh, clutching diamond chains tight
A quick flick of the reigns saw the ice cracked below
Spiked hooves and low heads saw the giant sleigh go

Down, down the first hill and on up to the next
Iced-out looking fresh Santa laughed as he flexed
Launching into the night, bidding final adieu
And through the great wall of white snowfall they flew

O’er frozen pine forests, cities, oceans, and farms
He steered with his massive and tatted up arms
A beacon of hope, that yes, magic remains
That if you hit the gym, bro, you too can get gains

Race, racing, fast pacing, came time for first stop
So they let that weight land harmless as a raindrop
Santa smiled and hopped down, and he chugged a hot cider
Then rung the Ring Doorbell and winked and smiled wider

When nobody answered he did not ring twice
“Guess the seasonal spirit for them shall suffice!”
Then he took a quick selfie out front with the cat
And posted it, captioned, “What up? Where y’all at?”

Quickly back to the sleigh, but not ready, not yet
So he repped fifty push-ups, close grip, in a set
And alone in the street light, the wind, and the cold
He paused, feeling love, “Nah, this never gets old!”

Heads low once again, wings wide, and they sailed
Their job ever-simpler as Amazon’s scaled
Pressed onward, made rounds, under Christmas Eve stars
Gifting Lulus of Lemon, headsets and VR’s

Local honey, cured salmon, and oatmeal scrubs
Big Green Eggs and hams and expensive golf clubs
Apple watches, hip vacays, and candles of soy
Worthy matches on Bumble for Helen of Troy

Teslas and Lexuses, Rovers of Range
Drones (and receipts for the gifts to exchange)
Robots and candies, quick thoughts for good tweets
And eggnog-fueled gossip with all of the deets

Chocolate gold coins, cookies, pies of all kinds
And digital lifestyles for gifted young minds
Electric guitars, drumsticks, keyboards, and drums
Advil, Pepto-Bismol, Excedrin, and Tums

Jams and jarred jellies and biscuits and buns
For softballers, baseballers, dreams of home runs
Rings for engagements, one pleasant divorce
Kombucha from ethical sources (of course)

Passwords for Netflix and desert blend teas
Yoga pants, yoga mats, Rokus, and skis
Flat-screens and snowboards and jobs from Indeed
And Audible credits for those who don’t read

Hand-crafted, artisan, gluten-free water
And razors and clay for a real hairy potter
Holiday rom-coms to kindle new flames
Lakers jerseys, each one of them 23, JAMES

Vitamix mixers for smoothies with flax
Le Creuset and Arc’teryx and Thule roof racks
Reclaimed wood shelving, all assembled by elves
And shiny new garbage to fill the new shelves

Puppies, tequilas, and Games made of Thrones
Dre’s personal Beats, and way low interest loans
Peppermints, lingerie, even some cash
And at some homes they swept up and took out the trash

But that’s not the point, no, who cares about stuff?
No, the point’s to help those for whom life has been rough
So let’s think of Santa, let’s be more like him
When it’s too cold outside, light it up, hit the gym!

Make time to love others today, make it known
Don’t shoot your eye out, do watch Home Alone
Love’s Actually everywhere if you just let it out
And getting pumped on each other is what life’s all about!

So …

Merry Christmas to all, hope it’s one of the best
Hope your posts all look fab and you’re hashtag so blessed