Toast To The Lassies

by Duncan Jones

Before I begin
With our dear lassies’ toast
A quick-witted tale
And then on to the roast

There once was a man
Who showed not his years
He was handsome and fit
And he faced all his fears

He reached for the moon
Found himself among stars
He could dance like a fire
And was toasted in bars

He had many lovers
And cars all to match
He was rich with no problems
A dashing good catch

When asked of his secret
He had not much to say
Just one simple line …
“It’s easy, I’m gay!”

So here’s to the lassies …
The ladies, the dames
The gems we complain about
Then give our names

This now is your toast
Your shout-out, some praise
But ye fairer beware …
Here come the clichés

You can’t drive worth a shite
But my, you’re full of direction
You can sure swing the vote
Just can’t win the election

You’ll do one little thing
Then need time for yourself
Oh I know …
You must have worked hard
Organizing that shelf

Did you know studies show
And I mean way more than maybe
That women are more able to
Nevermind, look! A baby!

Every day’s a new diet
And who doesn’t want to look fine
But it’s hard to lose weight
Drinkin’ lattes and wine

You all buy shoes that hurt
And then make a big fuss
And if ever you’re questioned
You blame it on us

With your hands full of shopping
We lads open your doors
And jesus your closets
Have more than some stores

It matters not when it starts
You’re gonna be late
And if there’s chocolate in Hell, well
You’ll think that it’s great

You’re mad if we look
And pissed off if we don’t
And for some reason you keep thinkin’ we’ll change
But we won’t

Dear Rabbie was your supporter though
I hear well-mannered and versed
And yet even on Burns night
It’s not ladies first

Ok ... ok ...
This is all said in jest
So to prove it I’ll say
For last save the best

If ever comes the next flood
I’ll save you some space on my boat
And if you ever run for an office
You lassies all have my vote